32 Things We Really Should Apologize For

  • Butt-dialing you five times yesterday.
  • Touching the belly of a pregnant woman who was not pregnant.
  • Playing that one good Lana Del Ray song over and over.
  • Watching so many kitten videos onto YouTube.
  • Starting the car when it was already started.
  • Attending our neighbor’s We Killed Osama Bin Laden! barbecue just for the pie.
  • Texting something mean about Liz and accidentally sending it to Liz.
  • Blaming that toot noise on our chair.
  • Recommending dinner at the combination Taco Bell/Pizza Hut.
  • That Holocaust joke.
  • Saying your new baby looks like Wolf Blitzer.
  • Sweating so much.
  • Hitting the gas instead of the brake.
  • Getting really into The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
  • Stealing your Wi-Fi.
  • Giving Liz’s number to that guy with the neck tattoo.
  • Spoiling the ending of last night’s The Walking Dead.
  • Making a joke about tramp stamps to that girl with a tramp stamp. (It means “purity” in Chinese.)
  • That time we got on WebMD and diagnosed you with six different diseases.
  • Telling your kid there’s no such thing as Santa.
  • Permanently borrowing your stapler.
  • That time we were supposed to feed your goldfish.
  • Telling Liz, “It’s fine. No one can tell you’re not wearing a bra.”
  • Taking a nap at your dinner party.
  • Passing you in the hallway and doing that whole I’ll go left . . . no YOU go left thing.
  • Asking you to call us so we could find our phones.
  • That time we tried to be cool and said, “You only YOLO once!”
  • Using so many emoticons.  : /
  • Standing too close in the supermarket and judging your groceries.
  • All those Facebook statuses about our pets.
  • When we said, “Please turn off your cell phones now,” and then our cell phone rang. Twice.
  • Creating an eHarmony profile for Liz without telling her.

Aaron Alford and Lauri Anderson Alford